Tuesday, February 22, 2011

Still Alive

I've been silent, mostly because I haven't had much to say... Things have been pretty chill for the last couple weeks. J and I went through a really hard time, but that was due to family stress and pregnancy hormones. I am NOT dealing well with pregnancy hormones, by the way...

I am currently 15w3d pregnant and all is quiet. Just last night, I felt the first fluttering ever. I was laying on my belly on our bed while J put lotion on my insanely itchy dry skin on my back. Out of nowhere, it literally felt like a fish swam through my belly. Kind of a big fish, but definitely not a human child. Only, it was a human child. MY human child. Today, I finally started shopping for a baby. Maybe this is what I needed.

I've had kind of a rough time with my feelings about this maybe-baby. I look at Monkey, and I think about how much I love him. It's overwhelming. We have entire conversations, he acts like a 2 year old, he comes up with random stuff that reminds me that he IS my child... And I just wonder how I will ever find enough love in my heart for another child. Monk is my favorite person in the world. I feel like if I love another child as much as I love him, my heart will simply explode. Other mom friends tell me this is relatively normal (as does Google) and that the minute I give birth and they lay a squirming slimy child on my chest, I will immediately love her just as much. I'm hoping. This is another thing that the quickening has helped with. I'm not worrying quite so much.

I have a routine OB appointment next Tuesday (16w3d), during which they will do blood work for genetic problems and chromosomal abnormalities. After that, the next appointment will be the gender ultrasound sometime around 20 weeks. STOKED for that part. I haven't seen the critter since somewhere around 10 weeks and I kind of miss it. I miss knowing it's alive.

J and I are getting married this spring. I want to elope, and I want to do it before the baby arrives in August. We're going to go to a beach a few hours from home, get married on the beach - just me, him, and a minister - and spend a couple days at the shore. I did the real wedding thing once, and I didn't love it. We both want a very private, less stressful experience this time. I'm excited, and honestly a little bummed that we aren't doing it sooner. I'm ready to be his wife.

Anyway, it's now after 11pm, which is a long time after my pregnant bedtime of roughly 6pm, so I must go. There is snuggling to be done.